The Rushing of the Brandywine River
by luvlegolotz aka AshleyD
Summary: Pippin tells Merry a deep dark secret that he has kept from his best friend Merry for many years. Merry/Pippin slash.


Silence engulfed the young hobbit as he sat next to the Brandywine River, watching the water run past. Birds flew this way and that; gathering sticks and twigs for their nests they were building. The soft breeze blew through the new wild flowers that had sprung up on the banks of the river. Everything around the hobbit was new and bright. Buckland was in a state of bloom; spring had arrived.  
  
And that arrival depressed Pippin even more. The contrast of his surroundings and his feelings seemed to mock him. He was surrounded by new, yet his heart and soul felt the same old pangs he was trying to rid himself of for years now. He wished he could feel a new way about his best friend, but his heart wouldn't allow it. He silently cursed the singing birds and wished that he could have a heart like theirs; not dark and depressed but light and excited about spring. Pippin had come to the Brandywine River to be alone. Didn't the birds understand that?  
  
He remembered clearly what event had transpired to cause him to seek out his spot by the rushing Brandywine River. He had seen Merry with his lass Estella. Pippin had thought that after all these years, Merry's happiness with another lass wouldn't bother him. But much to his dismay it did. He remembered watching with a sinking feeling in his stomach when Merry leaned over to lightly kiss Estella, and oh, how she giggled! The giggling filled Pippin's ears and heart with pain. He was the one who wanted to receive the soft kisses from Merry. He wanted to love Merry forever. He wanted to be guaranteed Merry for the rest of his life. Damn it, he wanted to make love to Merry!  
  
Pippin sighed and laid back on the soft grass, feeling it slightly tickle his neck through his curly brown hair. The feeling almost made him laugh, thinking of all those careless days he had spent with Merry at this very river when they were younger. Careless was a word Pippin was growing less and less familiar with, and he longed for it most these days. No dark secrets haunting him. No knowledge that he was denying himself the only thing he ever wanted.  
  
"Pippin!" A familiar voice called out behind him and jarred him from his thoughts. Pippin groaned silently to himself, the voice cutting through his heart like a knife. He felt Merry sit down beside him and out of the corner of his eye watched Merry's gaze fall on the river. "You seem quiet today Pippin." Merry chided him with a playful elbow. "That doesn't seem like you."  
  
Pippin's eyes turned towards Merry and he was shocked by the seriousness that seemed to fill Pippin's eyes. "Hi Merry." Was all Pippin could utter before turning his attention back on the river. The bird's chirping filled Pippin's ears as Merry settled down silently next to Pippin.  
  
"Remember the time when I almost drowned in this river, but you jumped in to save me?" Pippin asked suddenly, after a pregnant pause. "I never thanked you for it. But there is not a day when I don't think about how my friend was always there to look out for me." Pippin's eyes sparkled a little as he thought of that time.  
  
Merry shrugged. "It was nothing, friend."  
  
Another pause grew between the two friends. Merry cleared his throat and leaned back on the grass. Pippin did the same, staring up at the clear blue sky. Pippin's heart beat faster as he felt Merry's body heat next to him. He tried to ignore the feeling that was forming in his stomach, and just stared at the cloudless sky with Merry.  
  
Merry finally spoke up. "I'm going to ask Estella Bolger to marry me." He said bluntly, as if it was an everyday topic that the two boys discussed. Shock rocked Pippin and he gripped the grass as his world turned upside down. His breath came in short puffs as he tried to control his anger and hurt all at once.  
  
Pippin wondered to himself if Merry was aware how much power he held over Pippin. He literary held Pippin's heart in the palm of his hand. And now he was squeezing as hard as he could.  
  
"Marr.married?" Pippin stuttered, glancing away from Merry, trying to hold back the tears. "Merry's getting married! Now, how silly does that sound?" Pippin sounded a little shrill at the end of that sentence though. Merry detected the panic in Pippin's voice.  
  
"Do you think she'll say yes?" Merry asked, twirling some torn grass in his fingers, wondering what could be bothering Pippin.  
  
"Estella?" Pippin's weak voice asked.  
  
"Yes, Estella." Merry said, sitting up, shaking the grass out of his hair. "She's a good lass, and will make a good housewife. And she loves children. She will make a wonderful mother for my heirs." The words bit into Pippin's heart. He doesn't even love her they way I love him! Pippin shook his head angrily.  
  
"Is that all she means to you?" Pippin asked, his eyes shining softly with tears.  
  
"Pippin, why are you so upset?"  
  
Pippin took a deep breath and blinked, the tears disappearing. He turned back to Merry and gave him a smile. "Just a little tired, friend. Nothing more."  
  
Merry's eyes squinted as he cross-examined his friend. "No, there's more. Don't try to fool me Pippin. Is Diamond all right? Is Faramir?"  
  
Pippin's eyes hardened when Merry mentioned his wife and son. "No. They are not the problem."  
  
"Then what is? You can tell me." Merry encouraged.  
  
"No, I can't." Pippin turned his back to his friend.  
  
A worried expression crossed Merry's face as Pippin turned his back to him. He'd never been told no before from that little hobbit. "Peregrin Took, you look positively miserable. Maybe if you tell me your problems I can share some of your burden."  
  
"I realized that I have been living a lie all my life." Pippin whispered. This heavy statement rung in Merry's ears.  
  
"Why is that, Pippin?" Merry asked, turning Pippin around softly to face him. Pippin gazed up into Merry's face, then looked down again. Merry patiently waited for Pippin's answer.  
  
Pippin's answer didn't come verbally though. Before Merry knew it, Pippin leaned up and placed a soft kiss on Merry's own lips. Merry felt something stir deep in his stomach as excitement boiled through his veins. His eyes flew open in shock, and pulled away. Where had that feeling come from? And why had Pippin's kiss stirred it? Estella never had that effect on him.  
  
Pippin covered his face with his hands, and Merry could see tears spilling out from behind them. Merry was shocked at Pippin. But mostly shocked with his own reaction to the sweet kiss his friend gave him. The world seemed to stand still, but Merry tried to fight through it, always looking for the logical reasoning.  
  
"What was that?" Merry finally demanded, pushing himself away from Pippin. The longing for Pippin's touch was growing too strong in him. He was tempted.  
  
Pippin's hands flew down from his face and the pain in his eyes stunned Merry. "I have been longing to do that for years." He took a deep breath. "And I want more. A lot more."  
  
Merry's head spun from his friend's confession. "What about your wife? Your son?"  
  
"I love my son, and I love Diamond. But in a different way. I long for you, I dream about you. You are my untouchable." Pippin slung his arms around Merry's shoulders pleadingly and pulled himself into Merry's lap. "I love you."  
  
A pleading sigh emitted from Pippin's lips and Merry reached out with his finger and smoothed Pippin's hair away from his tear stained eyes. "It will never work, you and I." Merry said logically. He was fighting his feral feelings for Pippin, feelings that had been there since the beginning of time. Well, that's the way it felt to Merry. It was just so deeply hidden for all these years. Except for one night..  
  
"Damn you and your logical mind." Pippin almost hissed through his teeth. "I don't care. I just want you." With this Pippin jerked his hips towards Merry, touching him in a very intimate way. "Do you remember that night we spent together? So many years ago?"  
  
"What was it about that night?" Merry asked Pippin, trying to think straight. It was hard, with Pippin pressed up that close to him.  
  
"Connection for two isolated hearts." Pippin gave Merry a small grin. Merry grinned back, relieved that he saw a bit of his fun loving friend in his seriousness. "But, please, Merry, do not isolate yourself again."  
  
"Your poetic words amuse me." Merry teased him.  
  
"It's true though. You can't deny that." Pippin said, brushing his nose against Merry's, hinting towards another kiss. A longer, more passionate one. Merry's mouth trembled for it.  
  
"That night only alludes to what cannot be." Merry fought his feelings. He remembered that night he spent with Pippin so long ago. They were both so passionate when they made love all those years ago. It was in Rivendell, under the soft moon before the Fellowship left on their long journey. Everything seemed magical that night. Merry tried to place that night out of his logical mind, but now that Pippin was straddling him and talking about that night, he only wanted to experience it all over again.  
  
Understanding filled Pippin's eyes. "Don't do the same thing I did Mer." Pippin said, affectionately using Merry's nickname. "Don't deny yourself the only thing you've ever wanted just because lads can't have lads."  
  
"How are you so sure about my feelings?" Merry demanded, wondering how his best friend had gotten into his head once again.  
  
Pippin gave Merry a little half smile as he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Merry's throat. "Because Merry, I know you. I have loved you for years, and you have loved me in return." Merry stared at him wonderingly.  
  
"I do, don't I?" Merry asked rhetorically.  
  
"Yes, yes you do." Pippin laughed and started to unbutton Merry's vest with his nimble fingers. Pippin quickly shed Merry's vest and started working on his undershirt. With it finally open, Pippin ran his hands over Merry's bare chest, making him writhe and groan in pleasure.  
  
"You can't deny this." Pippin grinned as he captured Merry's mouth again. Pippin's tongue prodded and Merry's mouth opened wide and accepted the sweeping tongue.  
  
Merry's eyesight went red as he gripped at Pippin's hair, deepening the kiss. Merry leaned back on the soft grass, taking Pippin with him. Pippin laid on top of Merry willingly and his hardness jammed into Merry's hip.  
  
"See look what you do to me." Pippin teased Merry, rubbing up against him. Merry gasped out loud. Pippin leaned down and kissed Merry's closed eyes. He then reached down and traced a long torturous line up Merry's inner thigh and Merry bucked upward with his hips, anticipating the intimate touch. Merry closed his eyes in pleasure, letting out a soft moan.  
  
But images flashed through Merry's mind when he closed his eyes. Images of Estella, who he really did care about. He saw her laughing in the sunlight, her bright brown hair falling around her face like a halo. He saw Diamond holding her son Faramir and cuddling him close. Guilt filled his mind as he tried to shove those images from his mind, but it was impossible.  
  
"No, Pippin. I'm sorry, I can't do this." He whispered; his eyes still closed.  
  
"What?" Pippin stopped, almost cupping Merry's crotch. He was almost beyond reason, with the thought of Merry lying prone and open beneath him.  
  
"I can't do this to you, or Diamond, or Faramir, or Estella." Merry said, sitting up and shoving Pippin away from him. More roughly then he imagined, but if he didn't do it roughly he would have been too affected by Pippin's closeness. Pippin looked shocked and hurt after being thrown off Merry so violently. "I can't openly love you and only guilt would plague me."  
  
Merry looked sadly at Pippin, who was staring silently back at him, daring him to say something. "I'm sorry Pip." Merry sat and stared into Pippin's eyes, searching for forgiveness. He winced when he found none. Silently, he got up off the ground and started to walk away, dazed.  
  
Pippin watched him leave. "I'll be here Merry, when you stop denying what you really want." Pippin smiled to himself when he saw the slight stumble in Merry's dignified strut.  
  
"He'll be back." Pippin muttered to himself as he pulled his knees up under his chin.  
  
Tears fell from his eyes as he thought about his one true love and how he'll never be able to experience the fullness of the potential of that love.  
  
All alone Pippin sat and thought about old days when things weren't so conflicted and complicated inside of him.  
  
"He'll be back. Someday." Pippin said out loud sadly, trying to reassure himself. He watched the Brandywine River rush past him and wished it would take him with it.  
  
"Oh be quiet." He snapped at the birds that were singing too cheerily for his mood. 


End file.
